Dark & Light

One of my favorite books is called ‘Just for Today’. I’ve read it cover to cover many times. Some of you may be familiar with it and some may not. There are ‘pearls of wisdom’ on virtually every page and I wish to share one of them with all of you. I did not write this but I feel it could apply to all…  

Sometimes we need something tangible to help us understand what holding a resentment is doing to us. We may not be aware of how destructive resentments actually are. We think, “So what, I have a right to be angry,” or, “I might be nursing a grudge or two, but I don’t see the harm.”

To see more clearly the effect that holding resentments is having in our lives, we might try imagining that we are carrying a rock for each resentment. A small grudge, such as anger at someone driving badly, might be represented by a pebble. Harboring ill will toward an entire group of people might be represented by an enormous boulder. If we actually had to carry stones for each resentment, we would surely tire of the weight. In fact, the more cumbersome our burden, the more sincere out efforts to unload it would be.

The weight of our resentments hinders our spiritual development. If we truly desire freedom, we will seek to rid ourselves of as much extra weight as possible. As we lighten up, we’ll notice an increased ability to forgive our fellow human beings for their mistakes, and to forgive ourselves for our own. We’ll nourish our spirits with good thoughts, kind words, and service to others.

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Just for today: I will seek to have the burden of  resentments removed from my spirit.

Facebook is out of control. If this seems like it may be a rant against social media you would be right. What was once a great idea has now become a platform for hate and misinformation. Human nature has taken over and it’s getting ugly out there. Ignorance breeds fear and you are all being taken advantage of. Laugh if you will but George Lucas and Yoda had it right. Anger, hate, resentment. Basically, negative emotions do indeed lead to the dark side. When I lived in a world of negativity my life came crashing down. It’s hard to stay in a positive state of mind when confronted by all the BS on Facebook and other platforms. This is why I have deactivated my Facebook account.

Why is it so hard to understand that most video/post’s are contrived? They are created to advertise a product or push a political agenda. Most importantly they are bullshit. Very well produced and professionally edited, they create an atmosphere of hate and fear. There is no arguing with the ignorant and misinformed. Even when confronted with the truth people still believe what they want to believe. This leads to divisiveness. Our country is at war with itself and this is very disconcerting. How do we help those who need it most when the trolls crap on meaningful posts? I followed many addiction pages and the arrogant haters will drop an ignorant comment and then run off. Their only intent is to be a complete asshole. Trying to defend the honor of those of us who have suffered leaves me in a negative state of mind. This is a quick ticket back to the darkness that haunted me in the past.

Lastly, there is the arrogance of the SPITR’s. If you’ve been on social media for more than a minute you know them well. We all know at least one and usually many more than that. These can be the most aggravating people on FB. I am referring to the Smartest Person In The Room. They have the need for the world to know how much smarter they are than everyone else.

I need to protect my own sanity and end the hate. I have chosen to deactivate my account. I suggest you all do the same.

After a two week hiatus I’m back. My mind is in a better place and I’m hoping God has given me the strength to scroll past the hate. Facebook has stated they will do a better job keeping the crap to a minimum. Let’s hope so. Peace, Love, and Understanding to all!

What does music mean to you? For me it equates to life. At my lowest it picks me up and at my best it maintains my flow. Taste runs eclectic, from Motown to Slipknot, and falling anywhere in between. When the demons are nipping I turn to something that shreds my brain into submission. The Dark needs to be drowned away into the Light so jammin at a high decibel is a must. Hard rock is my favorite but there is a time and place for all of it.

There were mornings in the not so distant past when getting up was a struggle. It can be nearly impossible to understand unless you’ve been there. Guilt, stress, anxiety, and self-loathing penetrate my brain as muscle memory pummels my existence. Your eyes open and the first thought is ‘why fucking bother? I am worth nothing to this world.’ 35 years of substance abuse was a breeze compared to the ensuing 5 years of opiate/suboxone torture. Self-inflicted, it left me with a void where my soul resided. My rekindled faith in God is refilling the abyss. Music is the passion that accelerates this process. Laying there, fighting the fight, an amazing thing happens. A song starts playing in my head and I can feel God’s nudge. I get to the PC and Slipknot’s ‘Duality’ is waitin for me…

I push my fingers into my eyes…
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache…

This leads to ‘Gone Sovereign/Absolute Zero’. Corey Taylor has a wide range to his voice and totally understands the dark side of life. From there I can slowly climb down the ladder, the edge fading into the distance. The transgression of music takes me through Seether, Shinedown (Lots of Shinedown, the acoustic stuff is amazing. They may be my favorite ever.), System of a Down and many others. (including Amy Winehouse. Why am I attracted to people like her, Chester and Cornell?) In fact, most of the bands I love have fought through some form of life’s darker side. I listen to music all day. The important thing is winning the battle, staying clean, and moving forward. Audioslave’s ‘Show me how to live’ is blastin right now. 

When I can bounce up in the morning I start with ‘feel good’ music that keeps a smile going. Usually this is some loud, headbanging stuff. This gets me hopping around the kitchen like a fool, albeit, a happy fool. If I didn’t draw the shades my neighbors would think I’m having a seizure. This how I transformed my body on several occasions in my life; Dancing cardio with full body crunches while banging out loud rock. These are the best workouts I’ve ever had. Seether’s ‘Fine Again’ is jammin.

Theory of a Deadman has a song called Medicate. I can’t get away from this song. It makes so much sense that I have to write about it. The song covers a part of my life that I would like to forget but never will. It’s important that I never forget what a miserable existence that truly was. Alter Bridge’s ‘Addicted to Pain’ is crankin.

I love thousands of songs and there isn’t enough room here to list them all. There is no right or wrong choice with music. Find whatever turns you on and play it like crazy. Like life, there are many paths to take in music. Hopefully, they can lead us all to the same place, that place we’re all striving toward. For me this means inner peace. How about you? As I finish this Audioslave’s ‘Be Yourself’ is playin. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidence, only Fate.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Why did I survive? Why did the powers that be spare my life?” For long stretches I believed the world would be better off without me. Or maybe I thought I would be better off without the world. I’ve been clinically dead and should have died many times over. At one time I even prayed for death to come and take me. Thankfully, fate ignored my request, and my angels made sure I survived all the close encounters. Either way I’m here to stay and a better man for it. The greatest news I’ve heard yet has been thrust upon me. My oldest son and my beautiful daughter-in-law are having a baby! I’m going to be a grandpa! Haven’t stopped crying tears of joy all day. This moment, here and now, is why I’m still alive. Thank you God! I went into recovery March 13th, 2009. There have been several stumbles along the way but I’m clean and loving life as we speak. I’ve been tapering off the smokes and I just threw my pack out. This is my last chemical hurdle. Never quit fighting, never give up hope, and keep moving forward!

Update; I haven’t had a cigarette in a week!!!!

I’ll be adding more to this post in the days to come. I had lost my desire to write but it’s back in full throttle! Believe in peace, love, and understanding.

Have you ever felt like gravity was pulling you down? Sitting on a stool in the kitchen my shoulders hunch over. It feels like there’s a lead weight tied to my brain. If 1G holds us to this Earth, I’ve certainly got 2G’s of weight on my shoulders. The resistance that holds my head up has dissipated. Grabbing a seat on the couch I can’t help but go horizontal. When I lay in bed the mattress sucks me in and won’t let go. I’m being pulled into nothing by an invisible force. There’s so much out there for me but this heaviness won’t leave. Putting on some music, I go directly to Shinedown. ‘Save Me’ is flowing through my conscience, putting me at ease. I want to cry (I always want to cry) but for whom? Is it self pity or empathy for others? Debilitating and suffocating, this force of nature is a very real thing. What’s worse, the weight or the wait? The gravity of this situation is not lost on me as the weight of my world is unyielding. The wait for things to straighten themselves out and feel better is also unyielding. Seether’s ‘Rise Above This’ starts playing. Writing and music are my solace. It helps to know someone else has gone through this too. I can identify when I’m hurting but the ‘wait’ for it to get better never ends. Many of our family, friends, and neighbors suffer in silence. We have to help each other. We can’t afford to wait. Stop with the ‘oh, they’re ok, I’ll give them a call later’. They will resist. Force your way back into their lives. Let them know, “You mean something to me. I am here for you.” Every little interaction matters.

****After 4 decades of ‘fighting the demons of life’ this author speaks for those without a voice. Use his experience to enlighten yourselves and break out of your bubble. Some of the articles on this site are not for the faint hearted. If it was uncomfortable for you to read this piece; please stop, go back to your fantasy world, and pretend everything is perfect. For more, visit Wayward Redemption at danielthomasjr.com